DJing equipment giant Native Instruments is today making the stunning offer of a “pathetic, failed excuse for a DJ career” to every single one of their customers who purchase from their extensive range of DJing gear like Traktor hardware and software.
“Almost 99.5% of the purchases of DJing equipment made from Native Instruments include a failed career as a DJ for those purchasers,” claimed Native Instruments spokesperson Blaine Johnson, who himself was rewarded with a brief and regrettable foray into DJing when he bought a Traktor Kontroller S4 in 2012 which saw him play a few house parties to impress girls before settling down with one he inadvertently knocked up.
“There is a small 0.5% of purchases that do result in a successful DJ career but they’re usually made up of people that learned how to mix properly using vinyl and are using Traktor to complement their skills.”
Customers are reportedly delighted that Native Instruments have decided to include some real world experience with every purchase of their products particularly in the current cutthroat market place.
“I’ve always wanted to mess around on the decks for a few years, eventually getting to support someone big before subsequently losing interest and getting a proper job that doesn’t pay in pints and guest list,” claimed one fan. “It’s great that Native Instruments are giving so many young people the chance to give up at something.”
“It’s fantastic for them to provide this service,” he added. “If it wasn’t for Native Instruments I never would have learned that extremely unlikely pipe dreams of being an internationally regarded DJ are a waste of time.”
It is believed that the failed DJ career can materialise any time after the initial purchase – with some customers failed DJ careers lasting decades while others have given up in one solitary Christmas afternoon.
You can purchase a failed DJ career simply by visiting the Native Instruments homepage, purchasing anything you see and then making a half arsed non-committal attempt to master it before giving up and leaving the equipment to gather dust next to your childhood magic set, guitar and unicycle.
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