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Thread: F*ck it; Australia you're off my itinerary 4eva

  1. #1

    F*ck it; Australia you're off my itinerary 4eva

    You too New Zealand, I wanted to see where Gandalf was chillin and such but you're off too, by association


    Why the heck does Australia have a bunch of aminals that are seemingly designed to kill or torture the sh*t out of everything?

    More creatures, some of which are in australia of course

    ----
    http://www.cracked.com/article_16868...your-shoe.html

    #5. Geographic Cone Snail

    What the Fuck is That?

    So you're on vacation in Australia, drinking a Fosters, chasing dingos away from your babies and arguing about what things are and are not knives. You sign up to go on a scuba tour of the Great Barrier Reef. After a quick tutorial on what you can and cannot touch that you didn't even understand (they are speaking Australian after all), you're down in the ocean exploring the reef. One small and particularly beautiful shell grabs your attention and you pick it up out of curiosity. That's when you feel a pinch on your palm.

    Congratulations, you've just been stung by one of Australia's deathly toxic residents.

    What's this Funny Feeling?

    That funny feeling is cocktail of toxins that were just lanced into your hand by a harpoon. Cone snails can fire off those harpoons in any direction and they use them to paralyze fish (at which point they then eat them--alive). Fortunately, you're too big for the cone snail to eat. Unfortunately, the toxins still affect you in a terrible way. Depending on which species of cone snail you picked up, you're either feeling the effects of your nervous system being fucked to hell or you're suffering this delightful symphony of shit, per Wikipedia:
    "Paresthesias of the lips and tongue are followed by sialorrhea, sweating, headache, weakness, lethargy, ataxia, incoordination, tremor, paralysis, cyanosis, aphonia, dysphagia, seizures, dyspnea, bronchorrhea, bronchospasm, respiratory failure, coma, and hypotension. Gastroenteric symptoms are often severe and include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Cardiac arrhythmias may precede complete respiratory failure and cardiovascular collapse."

    And you probably haven't even made it to dry land yet.

    Will I Be Alright?

    That depends on how competent the people around you are. There is no cure for the cone snail's venom, and treatment is simply based on how long your rescuers can keep you alive while your body pisses, shits and vomits the toxins out. If the people saving you haven't already fled the scene of your body exploding from every orifice, their CPR is simply meant to keep you breathing until you've shat the last little bit of venom out.


    #4. Blue-Ringed Octopus

    What the Fuck is That?

    After that pants-shitting near-death experience with the cone snail, you opt to explore the shallow tidal pools on shore. After scavenging through all the dully colored shells, you come upon a tiny octopus. As you approach, bright blue rings appear on the its skin. Curious, you pick the magical creature up.

    Luck is not on your side today. The appearance of those bright rings is the warning sign of the blue-ringed octopus.

    What's this Funny Feeling?

    Or no feeling, as it turns out. The beak of the golf ball-sized bottom feeder is strong enough to pierce through wetsuit gloves and give the handler a fatal dose of venom. You probably won't feel the toxins, at first. That's only because you'll be completely paralyzed. But believe us when we tell you that you'll begin to feel pain when you realize you can't breathe.

    The venom from these tiny sea creatures is created by the bacteria that live in their air sacs. The deadly cocktail contains ten toxins in all, designed to leave you paralyzed and yet completely aware of your surroundings.

    Will I Be Alright?

    Like the cone snail attack, it all depends on how much the people around you know about what's happened. If they realize that you've been bitten by a blue-ringed octopus (whose venom is powerful enough to kill 26 human beings within a couple of minutes), rescue breathing may keep you alive.

    But if no one is aware of what happened, you'll probably just appear dead to the world. Nobody will know that you're paralyzed and can't breathe. As they pack you into a body bag, your body reflexively shitting itself, your one final thought will be: "Man, fuck Australia."

    #1. Box Jellyfish

    What the Fuck is That?

    Imagine that the stresses of life finally get to you and, after months of depression you snap. You make that final decision: You're going back to Australia again.

    Having left a note behind for your loved ones and doling out your worldly possessions to your heirs, you go swimming in the oceans around northern Australia. You catch glimpse of something glimmering in the water. It's moving.

    It's chironex fleckeri, an extremely venomous species of box jellyfish. You are about to get what you came for.

    What's this Funny Feeling?

    The chironex's venom is fast-acting and multi-purposed. It goes after the nervous system, heart and skin at the same time, in a multi-pronged attack of horror.

    Will I Be Alright?

    There is an antidote to the chironex venom. Do you happen to have it in your hand, there in the middle of the ocean? No? That's too bad, because a person can be killed within four minutes of the sting.

    Congratulations, you can await the sweet, sweet embrace of death.
    -----------------

    Oh, and,

    http://www.hotelclub.com/blog/the-10...-in-australia/
    http://www.australiangeographic.com....-australia.htm




  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by thehadgi View Post
    What the Fuck is That?
    LMFAO! But damn, I don't think I wanna go to Australia ever!

  3. #3
    Member alazydj's Avatar
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    This is why the Brits sent the prisoners there.


    Because fuck Australia
    Quote Originally Posted by Finnish_Fox View Post
    Did someone mention hookers?
    Quote Originally Posted by RDRCK View Post
    am not brony.

  4. #4
    Member ChrisHynds's Avatar
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    hahaha, pretty funny article. The chances of seeing any of these is really slim, unless you are in the outback, then your fucked

    Sharks are probably one of the biggest threats Ive came across since moving here, I used to surf 5-7 days a week, now Im in the water a few times a month, way too many deaths and attacks recently.
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  6. #6
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    we do have cities... it's mainly in the bush where all the dangerous shit is. I swim in the rivers around where i live and i also catch bull sharks in the same spots. I've never been bitten or anything. it more handy than anything.

  7. #7
    Member Andrew B's Avatar
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    Yo I heard in Australia domestic cats have venom that can one shot kill you.

  8. #8
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    thats absolutely correct. gotta steer clear of those fuckers.

  9. #9
    Member Blue Shoes's Avatar
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    So you're on vacation in Australia, drinking a Fosters, chasing dingos away from your babies and arguing about what things are and are not knives.
    Yeah, that sums up life in Australia pretty accurately.
    I'm too cool to have some kind of elitist quote in my signature.

  10. #10
    Member Mahatma Coat's Avatar
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    The most dangerous animal in Australia is clearly the fabled Bogan.

    The place is full of 'em.
    Once you're in the gutter, you may as well stay in the gutter - Dublin taxi driver

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