View Full Version : F*ck it; Australia you're off my itinerary 4eva

06-24-2013, 06:14 PM
You too New Zealand, I wanted to see where Gandalf was chillin and such but you're off too, by association :mad:

Why the heck does Australia have a bunch of aminals that are seemingly designed to kill or torture the sh*t out of everything? :eek:

More creatures, some of which are in australia of course :uhoh:


#5. Geographic Cone Snail

What the Fuck is That?

So you're on vacation in Australia, drinking a Fosters, chasing dingos away from your babies and arguing about what things are and are not knives. You sign up to go on a scuba tour of the Great Barrier Reef. After a quick tutorial on what you can and cannot touch that you didn't even understand (they are speaking Australian after all), you're down in the ocean exploring the reef. One small and particularly beautiful shell grabs your attention and you pick it up out of curiosity. That's when you feel a pinch on your palm.

Congratulations, you've just been stung by one of Australia's deathly toxic residents.

What's this Funny Feeling?

That funny feeling is cocktail of toxins that were just lanced into your hand by a harpoon. Cone snails can fire off those harpoons in any direction and they use them to paralyze fish (at which point they then eat them--alive). Fortunately, you're too big for the cone snail to eat. Unfortunately, the toxins still affect you in a terrible way. Depending on which species of cone snail you picked up, you're either feeling the effects of your nervous system being fucked to hell or you're suffering this delightful symphony of shit, per Wikipedia:
"Paresthesias of the lips and tongue are followed by sialorrhea, sweating, headache, weakness, lethargy, ataxia, incoordination, tremor, paralysis, cyanosis, aphonia, dysphagia, seizures, dyspnea, bronchorrhea, bronchospasm, respiratory failure, coma, and hypotension. Gastroenteric symptoms are often severe and include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Cardiac arrhythmias may precede complete respiratory failure and cardiovascular collapse."

And you probably haven't even made it to dry land yet.

Will I Be Alright?

That depends on how competent the people around you are. There is no cure for the cone snail's venom, and treatment is simply based on how long your rescuers can keep you alive while your body pisses, shits and vomits the toxins out. If the people saving you haven't already fled the scene of your body exploding from every orifice, their CPR is simply meant to keep you breathing until you've shat the last little bit of venom out.

#4. Blue-Ringed Octopus

What the Fuck is That?

After that pants-shitting near-death experience with the cone snail, you opt to explore the shallow tidal pools on shore. After scavenging through all the dully colored shells, you come upon a tiny octopus. As you approach, bright blue rings appear on the its skin. Curious, you pick the magical creature up.

Luck is not on your side today. The appearance of those bright rings is the warning sign of the blue-ringed octopus.

What's this Funny Feeling?

Or no feeling, as it turns out. The beak of the golf ball-sized bottom feeder is strong enough to pierce through wetsuit gloves and give the handler a fatal dose of venom. You probably won't feel the toxins, at first. That's only because you'll be completely paralyzed. But believe us when we tell you that you'll begin to feel pain when you realize you can't breathe.

The venom from these tiny sea creatures is created by the bacteria that live in their air sacs. The deadly cocktail contains ten toxins in all, designed to leave you paralyzed and yet completely aware of your surroundings.

Will I Be Alright?

Like the cone snail attack, it all depends on how much the people around you know about what's happened. If they realize that you've been bitten by a blue-ringed octopus (whose venom is powerful enough to kill 26 human beings within a couple of minutes), rescue breathing may keep you alive.

But if no one is aware of what happened, you'll probably just appear dead to the world. Nobody will know that you're paralyzed and can't breathe. As they pack you into a body bag, your body reflexively shitting itself, your one final thought will be: "Man, fuck Australia."

#1. Box Jellyfish

What the Fuck is That?

Imagine that the stresses of life finally get to you and, after months of depression you snap. You make that final decision: You're going back to Australia again.

Having left a note behind for your loved ones and doling out your worldly possessions to your heirs, you go swimming in the oceans around northern Australia. You catch glimpse of something glimmering in the water. It's moving.

It's chironex fleckeri, an extremely venomous species of box jellyfish. You are about to get what you came for.

What's this Funny Feeling?

The chironex's venom is fast-acting and multi-purposed. It goes after the nervous system, heart and skin at the same time, in a multi-pronged attack of horror.

Will I Be Alright?

There is an antidote to the chironex venom. Do you happen to have it in your hand, there in the middle of the ocean? No? That's too bad, because a person can be killed within four minutes of the sting.

Congratulations, you can await the sweet, sweet embrace of death.

Oh, and,



06-24-2013, 08:19 PM
What the Fuck is That?
LMFAO! :lol: But damn, I don't think I wanna go to Australia ever! :eek:

06-24-2013, 08:39 PM
This is why the Brits sent the prisoners there.

Because fuck Australia :D

06-24-2013, 08:51 PM
hahaha, pretty funny article. The chances of seeing any of these is really slim, unless you are in the outback, then your fucked :)

Sharks are probably one of the biggest threats Ive came across since moving here, I used to surf 5-7 days a week, now Im in the water a few times a month, way too many deaths and attacks recently.

06-24-2013, 08:54 PM

.... With laser beams...? :ninja:

06-24-2013, 09:55 PM
we do have cities... it's mainly in the bush where all the dangerous shit is. I swim in the rivers around where i live and i also catch bull sharks in the same spots. I've never been bitten or anything. it more handy than anything.

Andrew B
06-26-2013, 11:32 AM
Yo I heard in Australia domestic cats have venom that can one shot kill you.

06-27-2013, 10:57 PM
thats absolutely correct. gotta steer clear of those fuckers.

Blue Shoes
06-27-2013, 11:16 PM
So you're on vacation in Australia, drinking a Fosters, chasing dingos away from your babies and arguing about what things are and are not knives.

Yeah, that sums up life in Australia pretty accurately.

Mahatma Coat
06-28-2013, 08:30 AM
The most dangerous animal in Australia is clearly the fabled Bogan.

The place is full of 'em.

06-28-2013, 08:54 AM
Yeah, that sums up life in Australia pretty accurately.

Arguing about knives? Lol I meant to ask about that earlier

06-28-2013, 08:55 AM
Keeping your babies away from the dingos?

Blue Shoes
06-28-2013, 09:02 AM
If you want to go to a country with 95% Aussies but none of the terrifying wildlife, just go to Bali.

I saw more Aussies treating that place like shit than I do here

06-28-2013, 09:06 AM
I'll probably hit up New Zealand....see if the Serato building has a Rane 68 to play with :D

07-03-2013, 02:07 AM
Yo I heard in Australia domestic cats have venom that can one shot kill you.

They don't even go that far - they just look at you...

07-05-2013, 10:04 AM

5 of the 11 on this list are in australia

that said. i've been to sydney a few times and i really enjoyed it.

but i was never bitten or stung or poisoned by anything.

07-06-2013, 10:23 PM
Don't you have crocs, black widows and lady gagas in America?

Era 7
07-07-2013, 12:48 PM
:lol: my thoughts. on the other hand: i know a bunch of people who did a year of work & travel in australia from perth to the gold coast and all of them came back in one piece, so it can't be that bad ;)

07-27-2013, 09:43 AM
^the gold coast will leave your psyche in pieces but that's about it. (I live here)

12-13-2013, 12:04 AM
Oh please its not like we have Hornets like Japan or Lions Tigers or MOOSE well except Chocolate and that tastes great. Did you know there is another side to the DJ booth get out and check it out. The only way to discover something is to climb a tree fall out of it hurt yourself and you could be wiser LOL. Leave the sun blessed continent for the pro's.

12-28-2013, 08:04 AM
You guys have only scratched the surface....

Up in Darwin we get saltwater crocs in people's swimming pools or they're just walking around near a petrol station (No shit). Every year a few tourists get eaten by crocs when they try to swim across infested rivers.

Rock fish can kill people when they walk in certain parts of the beach, a barb shoots up into the person's foot and things aren't so good after that...

Funnel web spiders are the baddest of venomous spiders, one bite untreated will quickly be the end of you....

If you really love crocs you can swim in a cage with them here in Darwin, you can also have a beer with me while you're here:D

People in Darwin do some really stupid shit with crocs.....I'm surprised not more people aren't a snack for these guys....

Taipans grow just over 2 meters and live in the tropics here, I've heard that these snakes when they're really pissed actually chase you. Fact, these are one of the most venomous snakes in the world.....

King browns are not too far behind.....stay out of their way...

01-02-2014, 07:06 AM
The most dangerous animal in Australia is clearly the fabled Bogan.

The place is full of 'em.

Agreed. Bogans can be easily spotted sporting trackies, southern cross tatts, usually drinking VB.

I'd also just like to inform everyone that I've made it 21 years in this country without being injured/killed by the wildlife. :banana:

01-02-2014, 08:33 AM
Born and bred in Australia and wouldn't be concerned about any of this junk.

The only advice I can gives visitors is that you be weary of the dropbears.

01-02-2014, 04:04 PM
Thanks for the info vernski :)

But srsly someday I wanna make it over there.

10-28-2014, 06:48 AM
Don't forget about the mighty dropbears, they can shred you to bits!

… and NZ is completely harmless, them bros over there shit themselves when they see a possum. That's as dangerous as it gets there.

10-28-2014, 09:43 AM

10-28-2014, 09:44 AM
Swooping season.